Tuesday, June 24, 2014


They say if you don't learn from history, you're bound to repeat it.  For some reason, it seems like I'm repeating my mom's adult history, with some slight differences.  Think about it...I have 3 children, the older two being two years and 24 days apart.  My two sisters were born two years and 27 days apart.  I came along when my sisters were 12 and 10...Brayden came when Lex and Joey were 10 and 8, respectively.  We both came into our long term relationship due to pregnancy; Mom when she was 20, I at 19.  Me and Mom both had somewhat assholes for men in our lives, who were nice to us after the relationship ended because they needed something (and we were suckers).  Both of us separated from said men early in the youngest child's life--my mom when I was 6, Brayden when he was 2.  Mom pretty much kept to herself, as do I now.  Both of us sent one of our children to live with another family member at one point.  The kicker?  I look almost identical to her.  No really, I've been told that on several occasions.

Of course, there are differences.  She was a closet lesbian for years--she came out after leaving my dad.  Ok, I can't think of any other differences.  Well, she didn't move 1,000 miles away from her hometown, either...then again, her girlfriend came to her, not the other way around.

Why am I thinking about this at such a late hour?  It's been bothering me.  If my life has been so similar to Mom's, what the hell is next?  That's what I'm afraid of.  If my life follows hers, I don't want to think about what's in my future--it's not pretty.  It's too coincidental as it is--I hope to God that it doesn't keep going in the same direction.  Funny thing is, my mom didn't really do anything to get the life she chose, nor did I.  But the similarities are just too much to be coincidental, or at least I think so.

til next time...

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I'm happy...I think

I'm hoping the love of my life just falls into my lap, or more likely, that I fall into theirs.  The reason I bring this up is I'm single, have been that way for quite a while, and I'm not really up to the challenge of finding someone.  The subject came up yet again yesterday, while talking to a former (well, kind of) supervisor at work (I feel comfy having these conversations with superiors, or anyone, I guess...).  The questions or conversations that usually come up are:

"Are you married yet?  Why not?"
"How does a girl like you not have a guy in their life?"
"You need a penis." (I swear I'm not making this up.)

That's just recent topics of conversation, but most relationship talks end up similar to those.  It's pretty sad that as soon as it comes up, I have an awesome comeback/answer for it--right now, I'm focusing on work and the kids, so I don't have time for a relationship.  Or I bring up what I've been through with past bullshit; therefore I'm afraid to get into anything new.  More often than not, that usually shuts the critics up.  And then I move on.  At least I try to.

The thing is, I don't move on--although what I say is true.  Honestly, I have no time, no energy, and definitely no money to do anything at all, let alone do something for myself.  My life is literally work and children--I work for them--food mainly for them, car maintenance to get them around (and for work), etc.  My past relationships have taught me to be cautious about anyone and everyone--I have become very critical these days.  Another reason I was petrified about looking and/or starting something new was because I saw what Bum did to her father's marriage (pretty much turned them against each other), and I knew she'd do the same thing to me.  Luckily, she's out of the picture for the time being (living with her grandparents 1,000 miles away, but that's another story).

In a way, I don't feel like I'm ready to start with someone new.  I know it's been over 2 years since I tried, but I'm afraid to get burned again.  But there's that little part of me that hates being alone.  It's a small part, but every once in a while, it rears its ugly head.  Then I remind myself that I don't like complications, and that's exactly what a relationship would bring to me and the kids.  It's been pretty peaceful around here since Lex left in December, and I don't want to fuck that up.  Don't get me wrong--I have had offers.  One was pretty damn creepy (and I don't date co-workers), and the other is a good friend, as well as the rest of his family...don't want to lose that.

So confused and a little frustrated.  What to do?

til next time...